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Skip ! Story from Relationships. Published with permission from Hachette Book Group. Well, maybe, I thought, deleting it without giving it much thought. Duh, I thought, deleting that one too. And then a third message: "Hi. Are you into the cuckold lifestyle? This one gave me pause. The cuckold lifestyle? His feed was all about sports. He looked macho. In both stories, the wife goes unpunished, and the joke is on her clueless spouse, for whom she, the reader, and the narrator alike have contempt.
After a bit of Googling, I was back in the realm of Chaucer, except in this case, the husbands are no dupes. Men into the "cuckold lifestyle" or "hotwifing" are fully in the know. Bucking the script of masculine possession, the man into this practice embraces being married to a woman who is untrue — his hotwife — egging her on to "betrayal" after betrayal because he likes it.
And it seems there is no short supply of these men — or the men who fantasize about doing what these men do. Men who identify as cucks and like to hotwife may hide to watch the action or observe via video camera. Still others are far away when the sex takes place but are there for the lead-up. Still other men enjoy being told about it after the fact, in great detail. Not all men married to hotwives are cucks, though.
On her hotwife lifestyle blog, Alexis McCall, a hotwife and self-described "hotwife lifestyle coach," clears up what she believes are some misconceptions, describing her relationship with her husband, who enjoys it when she has sex with other men but is not sexually submissive. McCall confesses in one of her posts she had been miserable in her ly sexless marriage, and considered having an affair, before her husband told her of his interest in hotwifing.
That turned things around. It sounds like a disaster in the offing, but not for McCall and her husband.
She says that hotwifing counterintuitively built intimacy and better communication skills in her marriage. When he first stumbled across this lifestyle while reading responses to an online sex survey he had sent out, Ley thought people were having him on. There was virtually no academic literature on the topic.
But exploring further, he connected with some hotwifing and cuckold-life practitioners and interviewed them at length. What he discovered surprised him.
Why did I assume that these couples, often in decades-long marriages, were necessarily unhealthy for engaging in sex behaviors outside the norm? I was allowing my social biases around monogamy, promiscuity, and female sexuality to intrude into my clinical judgment. He found more participants to interview and was further surprised to learn that, like Alexis McCall and her husband, many of these couples had quite extraordinary levels of commitment, showed deep mutual respect, and communicated skillfully.
A ificant also reported very high levels of marital satisfaction and sexual satisfaction after decades of being together, a rather unusual state of affairs. But it's not for everyone. If being a hotwife sounds enlightened and perhaps even empowering, it might not be. Or the partners may find they have agendas that are no longer in alignment.
Ultimately, Ley thinks that the cuckold and hotwife relationships he studied may be about many things for men: Bisexuality, an interest in being submissive, wanting control, wanting to cede control, being masochistic. What strikes Ley most, he told me, is the incredible resourcefulness and creativity of the arrangements he witnessed.
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How to Make Your Wife a Hotwife